Creative Chaos

Creative Chaos

Friday 27 July 2018

I'm still here....

My sister-in-law in Switzerland asked me last night when I was going to blog again... well here I am.
My last blog post was March 8 and I wrote...

March 19 - PE essay 1500 words
March 26 - health essay 1500 words
April 2 - Peerwise - 5 science videos up for others to critique (involves an hour of work a night)
April 6 - Technology assignment
April 6 - education issues essay 2500 words
April 8 - Peerwise 2nd part
April 12 - Maori essay 1500 words
April 19 - 4 maths games sourced with lesson plans and in a maths kete (to sew)
April 30 60% assignment for Literacy (essay 2000 words)
may 6 - Peerwise finished
May 11 tech assignment 2 due
May 16 - 60% science test
May 25 - maths essay

Life WAS and IS MENTAL. I can't under-estimate what I've been through since that post! We were doing 7 courses/papers in semester one - a normal uni workload (well at least in New Zealand and I think Australia too) is 4 courses/papers per semester. Then we had our school practicum's on top... we've had multiple people drop out - the course is basically incompatible with any other thing in your life ... I did not cook, nor do the grocery shopping, nor take much notice of my family really (thank goodness for teens who are pretty self sufficient and independent!) for centuries. It took me a few weeks longer than most to hit the daily crying mode..... 

But then, if I thought that was crazy, things got crazier from a phone call from my Mum on Easter Sunday (April 1) morning. She rang to say (after multiple trips to the doctor and then me telling her on the Saturday to get to the emergency weekend doctor), that she had cancer. It took a couple of weeks to have a confirmation of pancreatic cancer. The FUCKED one. I won't apologise for my language as that truly is what it is. The one where you find out what it is, is too late. 
Queue more spinning from me - my parents live only 26km from me, but if anyone knows Auckland traffic, it can be pure hell. I was doing round trips of 50 km, but those trips could take anything from 1-3 hours to drive.
It was horrible - time (of which we all need to give to people), but time I struggled to get from 8am - 5pm lectures, then sitting in traffic for visits which weren't really that long; then the GUILT of not being able to physically do this more than 2-3 times a week due to said uni workload (weeknights were a nightmare - taking 1.5 hours one way; still having to come back and attempt to write assignments while crying/having no brain nor a clue what the heck i was trying to do while taking the diagnosis on!).......
Family flying in and out from the UK and Switzerland. Trying to work around family politics (yeah.. fun... NOT) - trying to figure in chemo (i basically wagged uni and then caught up) - it was only 2 sessions in the end.
But really, it all only lasted a 6 pathetic, short weeks, before mum passed away on May 23. Not unexpected BUT TRULY TOO FAST and faster than what anyone ever expected. We knew she didn't have years; or more than likely even until her birthday in September, but not this fast. Not going into hospital just to get fluids back up and for this to happen suddenly.
I had a maths assignment due 2 days after and a huge 50% assignment due a week after - there was no way I getting extensions due to an upcoming 5 week (some of it full control) practicum, so just did them... i really don't know how, 8 weeks on, I managed anything really! (and to get A+ grades for both...).

It all seems just a blur really, and also still not real... family have all gone back (actually my sister left without me even knowing....!) and life carries on with a massive, massive gap. You realise all the things you should of, could have done, talked about, visited more, the guilt, oh the guilt around uni and doing what I could... April was the most intense month of semester one which is when everything happened...

This is my dear mum....

More later....


  1. Sending lots of love and the hugest hug. My Mum died in May 2017, at the same time my husband's disability got significantly worse. I had such big regrets that I put him first and didn't spend the time with Mum that I should have. All I can say is that if you keep having the regrets you will hurt more and for longer. I am learning that she knew she was loved, and I know she loved me and I am TRYING to let the regrets go. xxx

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's quite shocking when it happens so fast, no time to prepare, not that it's easy even if you know it's going to happen. Be kind to yourself, you did what you could at a very difficult time, keeping all the plates spinning, and I'm sure your mum knew that.

  3. I'm feeling for you. I have just gone through the same with my FIL. Sad times end up just being a blur... xoxo

  4. i am so sorry for the loss of you mum. I've had several friends die of that cancer and s so true, when you know you have it, it is too late. What a time for all that to happen. My son was at college same time of year when his best friend was very ill, then just as we thought he was on the road to recovery died suddenly. It takes it's toll. Wishing some peace.

  5. I am so sorry to read about your mum's death. I am thinking of you. You do what you can in such situations and not matter what you do, you still feel it is not enough. I hope you can set the guilt aside. It is not helpful for healing. It not easy not to keep that feeling of guilt at bay but I find it useful to set aside pockets of time for regrets during which I reflect on my emotions. It feels a bit like a big cry, first you thing you'll never stop, then your realise the sobbing lessens, then all of sudden, it is time to wipe the snotty nose and tears of your face and move on. Until the next time. There is nothing that can prepare you for the death of a loved and there are times when the anger, sadness and grief are just overwhelming. I am sending you my love. xx

    Also, well done for completing all your assignments during such a difficult time. You are awesome!

  6. I am sorry for your loss, suffering with cancer is a beast.

  7. So sorry to read your news about your Mum, one foot in front of the other.|Take one day at a time

  8. Hi Kimberley, so sorry to hear your sad news. Its easy to say don't beat yourself up but that is what we all do. Your Mum will be so proud of you knowing how you have coped (even if you don't think you have)and those pass marks are amazing. Not much compensation for the loss of Mum but well done you.
    Just one foot in front of the other and breathe slowly.